Post-BlogHer #1

I'm back. And I'm not sure where to start. I still need to decompress...to process.

San Francisco was a beautiful city. The bay - it soothed. Just to glance at it put me in a different place altogether. And I needed that after hours in the hotel. The hot/cold, big, swanky hotel. But - before going there, I should start at the beginning.

Thursday was "off". Traveling took almost all day, and the last thing I wanted to do was party with a bunch of strangers. Ok, ok...the last thing I ever want to do is party with a bunch of strangers. But Thursday night especially, I felt adrift. While checking in, I checked out the groups of squealing females clumped together in the hotel lobby. I don't know if it was because I was tired or what, but I swear I saw a few enlarged bobble-heads in the mix - bobbing and floating above the crowd...hmm - definitely had to have been hallucinating with fatigue because I didn't see them again. Anywayyyyyyy, I did finally meet up with a blogger I met online, and she introduced me to another woman with whom I want to stay in touch. Both of them wanted to talk - really talk, and for a short while, I felt the righteousness of the world slide into place.

Then came Friday. And wow - more squealing, more talking, more plans for partying. I was. out. of. my. element. Until the break-out sessions. When I was in the break-out sessions I felt grounded, engergized, ambitious. Although smaller groups of women attended the political, race and gender sessions, I was gratified by their smarts and bravery. I wanted much more than 45 minutes with them - in fact, I could have spent the entire conference within that group of women and it still wouldn't have been long enough. I know I can't sideline my thoughts and feelings about politics, race, and classism anymore. I have to engage differently from now on, and I'm excited to find out how.

Saturday brought one more session on beautiful blogging and positive posting. And it was in this session that I found a place of hope for my personal blogging. It changed my framework. I'm not sure how exactly, but I know I want to do things differently here. You may see some changes in the near future. I'm not sure what they'll look like, but there will be changes.

I skipped the last two keynotes. I just couldn't take the big crowds anymore. I couldn't again feel the isolation that is so striking in a large group. I could not come out of those smaller sessions with my head exploding with knowledge and my heart bursting with emotion and sit quietly among strangers. I just couldn't. And because of all of these reasons, I went to the wine country on Sunday. And for the first time in four days, I saw sunshine - felt it on my face. And I was happy (and perhaps a little drunk).

Then I came home. And I hugged and kissed my little one and my husband. Their arms brought me back - cleared my head of the San Francisco fog. And I spent the next 24 hours just being with them. I didn't look at the computer, talk on the phone, or read a book. No Twitter, no Facebook, nuthin'. Just quiet and peace together.

So here I am, rejuvinated and ready to process the junk in the trunk of my mind. So far, I have a few different threads to explore. I need to address the different writers inside of me and how to be both. I want to be both truthful and hopeful with this blog (and my life). I want to figure out what things "bothered" me about the conference - and why. And if there is anything I want to do differently so I won't be bothered by them - or not.

But because I have bills to pay and deadlines to meet for work, I can't do all of that now. But soon. Soon, I'll take my mental meanderings to the next level.